In January I realised that my then current job and environment was not getting me anywhere. I felt caged, like an animal in a zoo. With support from people around me I quit my job and moved across Germany to a close friends couch. The plan was to judge and then figure something out on the way. Another job? My own place? That has been almost 10 months now. It feels like a snap of the fingers just as it feels like a whole life. Nowdays I am more traveling than I am home.

This year I have been incredible lucky. Many thing just fell into place and “just worked out”. I got accepted to every event I wanted to go. I passed my L2 exam. I have so many people around me who trust in abilities I never thought I could posess one day. I got opportunities that lead to lessons for life.

After this year I can say being a judge is the best thing that has happened to me. Being a judge makes me want to become a better person. And I am working very hard on myself.

If this year showed me something it is the passion people can have within them. A passion to learn, the passion to teach, the passion for people, the passion for complicated situations.

I have been on 15 Judge conferences, some have been multiple days long. I have been on both sides, teacher and student. There is much more to explore, in different positions in a community that feels like a home.

In my 15 Magic Fests and countless more other tournaments I have met some of the most awesome people in this world. Some of them became friends, some became mentors and some became people I look up to.

I had many people around me that trust me with challenges and believe in my abilities, even when I often didn’t. The time and effort judges invested in me keeps me speechless every time I think about about it. The judge community has been empowering for me and the challenge was happily recieved.

I am very thankful for all the people around me. The judges, players, friends and family that enabled all those positive memories.

My goals for 2019 were to pass my L2 test and to improve my abilities as a judge.
And even though there is still so much to learn I think I have passed my goal by miles.

I passed my L2 in February, I have studied hard for it and everybody exept me believed I would pass. I did pass on the first try. I am proud of seeing all the effort paying off. I wanted to become L2 to judge PPTQ in my old LGS. Now I am seeing the world.

I had some incredible learning opportunities. The biggest ones resulted from mistakes, failures, things that made me feel selfconcious about my abilities.

In London I made a decision in a tournament that resulted in me crying in the bathroom while being on shift. My regional judges and then the HJ of the event I made the “mistake” in talked to me about it, and after 3 hours of being lost, this mistake and the resulting lesson empowered me. I learned that our rules are not always fitting the situation, and this has changed my whole judging experience just as who I aspire to be.

In Bologna I had my “worst day as a judge” because of several situations. However after communication and distance to it the realisation hit me hard, that I am at fault for this, nobody else. I had focused a lot on my excitement energy control but never ever touched my frustration management. If I am frustrated I get anxious, I cry, I will make everything be about the frustrating situation. I lose any connection to the outside and lose myself in thoughts. All my energy goes towards that situation and this feeling, making it worse. Yes, others were involved in those negative situations, but it is my job to not lose sight of the important things.

Resulting from my progress and situations this year I have clear goals for 2020. Manage my frustration and get my L3 selfreview off my checklist.

I need to get to know myself and I need to find a way for me to let me realise that I am in that downward spiral when frustrating things happen so I can step out of it. This will be incredibly hard for me. And I am aware that I will fail in the process. But being aware of that and working on a plan to work this up I am confident that I will be able to be more mindful of myself and my enviroments. This will make me a better judge and a better person and I am looking forward to this mountain of challenge.

My other goal is to write my L3 selfreview and get it approved. Self evaluation may be my biggest strenght so I am confident that even though I am just beginning the road to L3, and need to grow as a person, this ability will help me 2020 too. I am looking forward to learning what it means to be a leader and all the learning opportunities I will get. I will make my journey slow. There is no need to rush as there is so much more I want and need to understand before being able to take further steps toward this longterm goal of becoming a L3 judge.

A more private goal is to get a job to be able to move in my own space. Traveling a lot is exhausting and being around people all the time is exhausting. I am aware that a fulltime/ halftime job will mean that I can make much less tournaments. I still look forward to it. It means I can see judging as purely a hobby again. Judging is my passion, but living from it as a floor judge in europe is almost impossible, and I don’t need much to be happy. I am excited to look forward my events without checking the budget on how much I am earning and can spend. I am excited to be able to connect some holidays to them. I am excited to be able to prepare better and with more passion as I currently can put in. It might slow me down but really it won’t. If it does one thing it will keep my passion burning bright.

Many incredible things happened in 2019. This was the best year I ever had. I am looking forward to making 2020 another best year in its own ways.

Thank you all for taking part in my journey. Cheers on you.

Thanks to Sebastian Braune for proofreading this 🙂